“People were busy trying to put me down, but in fact, they were making me work harder toward a good future for myself.”
—Alison,18, UK
A Teen Cuts to Cope
Originally Published: Jan 11, 2007
Revised: Jan 11, 2008
At night, after her parents went to sleep, Emilie would take out a razor and start cutting. Her upper arms, her inner thighs.
She wore long-sleeved shirts and long pants to hide her scars, even during hot summer months. Gym class was torture because she had to find a way to change without anyone noticing the large gashes in her legs or the cigarette burns on her stomach.
When Emilie smiles, a splash of freckles dances on her delicate nose. The slender 17-year-old has the porcelain complexion and towering stature to grace the pages of any fashion magazine. By any measure, she is an overachiever. She has a 96 average and is the president of several clubs.
But, against her own ruler, she always comes up short. And so she hurts herself.
"I remember in sixth grade, I came in second at a regional spelling bee," she says. "I had forgotten the "e" in "neutralization." When I got home that night, I was so angry. I used the edge of my trophy to cut at my arm. When that didn’t work too well, I grabbed a ruler that was lying on my desk and ran it across my skin again and again."
"It’s weird, but when I saw all this blood streaming down my arm and spreading on my shirt, I felt like there was this release, almost like air was being let out of this balloon that was about to pop," says Emilie, who is now in counseling and trying to stop hurting herself.
Emilie’s gruesome ritual is more common than you’d think. Experts estimate that nearly 2 million people are self-injurers.
Self-mutilation is a way people cope with feelings they don’t know how to deal with or express,’’ explains Dr. Wendy Lader, clinical director of the S.A.F.E. Alternatives Program in Illinois.
The term self-mutilation can include everything from cutting the surface of the skin to amputating finger tips and toes. Cutting and burning are the most common forms of self mutilation.
As extreme as this may seem, the majority of self-injurers don’t want to kill themselves.
Most of the time, they are just trying to stop the emotional pain, explains Lader. Sometimes they may go too far and there may be an accidental suicide, but this is more a way to cope than anything else.
"The pain?" she pauses. "I guess it hurt at first, but you have to understand that this is," she pauses and swallows hard, "well, was, the only thing that I’ve found that makes me feel better inside. It’s not like when you skin your knee real bad. That’s a different pain. When I do this, I’m aware of the pain, but at the same time I’m numb to it. It flushes all these bad feelings away."
Emilie was sexually abused by an uncle when she was young. That, and her relentless drive to be perfect, probably contributed to her depression, pushing her to hurt herself.
Many self-injurers have suffered some type of abuse, but others hurt themselves because they don’t like their bodies or feel they have no control over their lives. Like people who suffer from anorexia and bulimia, their disease tricks them into believing they are in control. But the disease usually ends up controlling them.
Emilie became so obsessed with hurting herself that she carried a razor blade to school.
"If during the day, things got bad, like a guy I liked made fun of me or I did real bad on a test, I’d go to the bathroom and do my thing. I even had Band-Aids and gauze in my backpack for those kinds of days," she says.
"Now, my doctor helps me understand my feelings and stuff," she adds. "It’s hard sometimes, but it’s helping me. I mean, I still have these bad urges, but I’m discovering other ways to express the way I feel."
If you or someone you know is a self-injurer, get help. Cutting is terribly dangerous, and you need to deal with your feelings now, before you really hurt yourself. If you don’t have a trusted adult to talk to, call S.A.F.E. Alternatives at 1-800-DONT CUT (366-8288).
She wore long-sleeved shirts and long pants to hide her scars, even during hot summer months. Gym class was torture because she had to find a way to change without anyone noticing the large gashes in her legs or the cigarette burns on her stomach.
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Adapted from Violator3 Creative Commons Attribution License |
But, against her own ruler, she always comes up short. And so she hurts herself.
"I remember in sixth grade, I came in second at a regional spelling bee," she says. "I had forgotten the "e" in "neutralization." When I got home that night, I was so angry. I used the edge of my trophy to cut at my arm. When that didn’t work too well, I grabbed a ruler that was lying on my desk and ran it across my skin again and again."
"It’s weird, but when I saw all this blood streaming down my arm and spreading on my shirt, I felt like there was this release, almost like air was being let out of this balloon that was about to pop," says Emilie, who is now in counseling and trying to stop hurting herself.
Emilie’s gruesome ritual is more common than you’d think. Experts estimate that nearly 2 million people are self-injurers.
Self-mutilation is a way people cope with feelings they don’t know how to deal with or express,’’ explains Dr. Wendy Lader, clinical director of the S.A.F.E. Alternatives Program in Illinois.
The term self-mutilation can include everything from cutting the surface of the skin to amputating finger tips and toes. Cutting and burning are the most common forms of self mutilation.
As extreme as this may seem, the majority of self-injurers don’t want to kill themselves.
Most of the time, they are just trying to stop the emotional pain, explains Lader. Sometimes they may go too far and there may be an accidental suicide, but this is more a way to cope than anything else.
Flushes Away Bad Feelings
Emilie pushes her sleeve to her elbow to reveal white scars, mostly old, running the length of her arm. But one small cut looks fairly new. Taken aback, I ask how she stands the pain."The pain?" she pauses. "I guess it hurt at first, but you have to understand that this is," she pauses and swallows hard, "well, was, the only thing that I’ve found that makes me feel better inside. It’s not like when you skin your knee real bad. That’s a different pain. When I do this, I’m aware of the pain, but at the same time I’m numb to it. It flushes all these bad feelings away."
Emilie was sexually abused by an uncle when she was young. That, and her relentless drive to be perfect, probably contributed to her depression, pushing her to hurt herself.
Many self-injurers have suffered some type of abuse, but others hurt themselves because they don’t like their bodies or feel they have no control over their lives. Like people who suffer from anorexia and bulimia, their disease tricks them into believing they are in control. But the disease usually ends up controlling them.
Emilie became so obsessed with hurting herself that she carried a razor blade to school.
"If during the day, things got bad, like a guy I liked made fun of me or I did real bad on a test, I’d go to the bathroom and do my thing. I even had Band-Aids and gauze in my backpack for those kinds of days," she says.
"Now, my doctor helps me understand my feelings and stuff," she adds. "It’s hard sometimes, but it’s helping me. I mean, I still have these bad urges, but I’m discovering other ways to express the way I feel."
If you or someone you know is a self-injurer, get help. Cutting is terribly dangerous, and you need to deal with your feelings now, before you really hurt yourself. If you don’t have a trusted adult to talk to, call S.A.F.E. Alternatives at 1-800-DONT CUT (366-8288).
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Your Comments
RE: TEAR
Posted by: DanR on Jun 30th, 2008 1:39pm
I am so sorry to hear that you have been through all of
that. I hope you know that none of this is your fault and
that there are people out there who want to try and help
you. I'm glad you found our site and I hope that you will
consider contacting S.A.F.E Alternatives and talking to
someone there. The number is 1-800-DONT CUT (366-8288).
Cutting is not the answer. Please call that number and talk
to someone who will try to help you. Hang in there!
TEAR
Posted by: natalie99 on Jun 26th, 2008 3:04am
I read this and started to cry... i cute myself im 15 i have
been cuting for 5 long years... when i was 14 i had to go to
the way cuz i almost killed myself i have been raped seens i
was 5 by my dad(10-12), step dad(8-11), and my
boyfriend(13-still) so i know how it feels to be
helpless...im only15 and im having my 2 baby i have had 2
miscarriages...i live w/ my aunt cuz my mom is a drunk she
helps me w/ the baby when myboyfriends out gitting high off
his ass...so cutting is thing i have lift...
Same kind of thing... just emotional...
Posted by: willowxwilliamfan on Mar 28th, 2008 6:22pm
I used to do a simlar thing to cutting, except it was an
emotional release that came out in the form of very violent
acting desplays. No body really grasped what was going
because I did all of my destorying (i.e. punching walls) for
the sake of scripts I'd written. (I'd made the sets too, so
it was /supposed/ to be destroied). I've had some pretty bad
emotional problems - I've a slight split personallity - but
most of that was fixed when I went to London last summer. I
walked all that pain off.
RE: They called me cookie cutter
Posted by: DanR on Jan 29th, 2008 12:34pm
I am sorry to hear that you are still cutting and that kids
say mean things to you, but I am glad that you found us.
Recognizing this is something you shouldn't be doing is a
GREAT first step! I hope that you have talked to a trusted
adult and let them know how you are feeling. If you ever
feel you are in crisis, you can call 911 or 1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433). To get more information on self injury,
call 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288) or check out this link:
http://www.selfinjury.com/.
They called me cookie cutter
Posted by: Startwinkles on Jan 28th, 2008 11:22pm
I am 19 and i have been cutting since the tender age of 11.
Honestly i used to carve shapes into my leg and people
called me cookie cutter because of the stars on my thighs
and what not.. I still cut and its not something i should be
doing .
sometimes it can be bad
Posted by: vissha455 on Jan 23rd, 2008 1:39pm
i used to do that but not by burnin or cutting i would make
my head bleed then go wash my hair.but i would also it my
hit my self.to knock myself out so when i wake up i forgot
why i did that but i'm better now.^_^
i do the same thing
Posted by: KangaRoo526 on Jan 18th, 2008 12:07am
i suffered from cutting for over a year pretty much. it was
hell and i thought i was alone. but now i've been clean for
11 weeks, which may not seem like anything to some people,
but it is the world to me. no one realizes how controlling
it is, and the power it takes to stop. but every time i can
read something like this or go through a bad day, and not
hurt myself, is a success. it just takes time to realize
that you dont need to hurt yourself to be happy.
wow
Posted by: melissa_ann24 on Jan 13th, 2008 9:25pm
cant understand how much you hurt i hope you get better may
god be with you! nothing is inpossibe with god
I can relate...
Posted by: mishimarie on Jan 12th, 2008 7:22pm
I'm really glad an article like this was put up on this
site. I loved reading how Emilie is trying to get better
because I'm somewhat in her place now. For years I cut,
until my parents found out and forced me to stop. Its been
four years since Ive stopped now and I've only done it three
times since but I know people make mistakes. It takes a lot
of will-power, more than people think, to stop.
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cutting
Posted by: Courtneyloomis on Jul 9th, 2008 12:09am
Natalie99's story touched me. I began to cry when reading
that comment. Most people don't realize what cutters go
through, its so hard to stop, and I've struggled trying to
stop. I told my bestfriend of 3 years that I cut again 2
nights ago and I don't think I've ever hurt anyone that much
in my life. She was so mad and upset that she finally said
forget it, go kill yourself courtney. I know she didn't mean
it and it was tough love but it hurt so much to no I was
hurting someone else like that.