February 5 - 9 is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Week

“In the beginning of our relationship, Adam* and I barely fought,” says Mary*, 17, from Atlanta, GA, “but as time passed, everything changed.

"Anytime we argued, he’d yell at me and tell me I was a ’worthless piece of shit’ and a ’waste of his time.’  He became incredibly possessive. On one occasion, when he saw me talking to another guy during lunch, he called me a ’dirty slut’ and cussed me out in front of the entire cafeteria. It was humiliating and degrading, but he never got physical, so I didn't think it was any big deal.”

However, what Mary experienced is a big deal. Like many teens today, Mary was in a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship – but she was unaware of it. According to the American Psychological Association, in Washington, D.C., nearly one in 10 high school students will experience physical violence from a partner, but even more will suffer psychological abuse.

“Victims of psychological abuse are subject to verbal abuse, such as name-calling and public humiliation, as well as emotionally abusive tendencies: threats, isolation from friends and family, possessiveness, and jealousy,” says Anna Marjavi, a junior program specialist at the Family Violence Prevention Fund, in San Francisco, CA.  

“Teens will often be accused by their partners of flirting with others, or spending too much time with their friends instead of with them. The dangerous thing is that many teens who are being abused don't think anything is wrong. They find excuses for the abusive partners’ behaviors, and oftentimes blame themselves for provoking their partners' outbursts. This acceptance of abusive behavior only allows it to escalate.”

“I had never been in a serious relationship before,” says Mary.  “So I sort of accepted Adam’s behavior as typical. If he ever said something really mean or made me cry, he’d immediately apologize for what he said, but not for how he was.  He said the only reason he acted that way was because he cared for and loved me so much.  As time wore on, I began to justify his behavior to my friends with that same excuse, except they never quite bought it the way I did.”

I Told Myself I Deserved It

Cindy*, 16, from Greencastle, IN, was also in an abusive relationship.  And like many teens, she blamed herself for her boyfriend’s actions.

“Jon* would scream at me in the hallways, get up in my face as classmates and teachers were walking by. One time, he grabbed my arm so I wouldn't walk away from him. Another time, he took the glass bottle out of my hand and shattered it on the sidewalk.  Once we got in a fight in the school parking lot, and he started screaming at me in front of our friends and other students.  

“When concerned friends approached me about his behavior, I lied to them, saying Jon just had a bad temper. I became used to his outbursts and told myself I deserved it.  I stopped talking to my guy friends and never went to any parties or other places with friends, unless Jon came with me or gave me permission.  I was absolutely miserable, but I was too scared to do anything about it.”

According to Marjavi, teens can have a hard time recognizing an abusive relationship.

“If a teen feels like there isn't mutual respect in the relationship; if she's afraid to disagree with her partner; if she finds herself having to apologize for every fight and taking the blame for the other's behavior -- then she's in a potentially abusive relationship,” she explains.

Marjavi says that teens should notice whether they have to make excuses and lie to family and friends about the reality of their relationship. Teens should also notice if their partners show intense jealousy or pressure them to have sex.

Recognize the Abuse

So what can you do if you think you're in an abusive relationship?  

“The first thing teens need to do is acknowledge that they’re being abused. If they’ve talked to their partners about the behavior, and it doesn't immediately end, then they need to get out of the relationship - fast," says Marjavi.

“Teens need to talk about the abuse with family, friends, or a counselor. There are also plenty of abuse hotlines that provide them with confidential and less confrontational ways to express their feelings. Taking part in activities they enjoy and enrolling in a self-defense class will often make them feel stronger and more secure.”

Cindy called a local hotline to talk about her problems after getting in a fight with a worried friend.

“Talking about it with a counselor made me realize the fights weren't my fault and that my relationship with Jon wasn't normal.  It took a lot of support from my friends and families, but I ended things with Jon shortly afterward,” she says. 

“It wasn't until after we broke up that I realized how much Jon's insults had lowered my self-esteem.  When you're constantly told you're ’stupid’ and ’worthless,’ you begin to believe it.” 

“Abusive relationships can cause a teen to have a negative self-image, inability to trust, fear of committed relationships, anxiety, and eating disorders, among other things,” states Marjavi.  “But teens have the chance to move on and make certain commitments to themselves about what they want in a relationship.”

As for Mary and Adam, Mary’s friend told the school psychologist what was going on.

“At first, I was infuriated and wouldn't talk to my friend. I didn't want anyone in my business. But when the psychologist confronted me, I broke down and told her everything. I stopped seeing Adam, and after I got over the breakup, my friend and I began to rebuild our friendship.  I realized I was happier -- and healthier -- without him.  I deserved better, and today I'm in a healthy relationship with a great guy.”

* Names and locations have been changed to protect privacy.

Editors' Note: For further information and help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The hotline is open 24 hours a day.

You can also visit "Love Doesn't Have to Hurt Teens," run by the American Psychological Association

The Warning Signs The first step toward getting out of an abusive relationship is to recognize the signs of one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend does any of the following, talk with a trusted adult who can help you get counseling and leave a potentially abusive situation. Signs of psychological, emotional, or verbal abuse: -Name-calling -Insults or put downs -Public humiliations -Yelling -Threats of intimidation -Telling a person’s secrets -Jealousy -Possessiveness -Isolating a person from friends, family -Destroying gifts, clothing, letters -Damaging a car, home, or other prized possessions -Teasing that includes insults -Pouting when you go to spend time with your friends -Threatening to leave you in an unsafe location -Trying to control what you do Signs of physical abuse: -Slapping, hitting -Shoving, grabbing -Hair pulling, biting -Throwing objects at you -Going into a rage when disappointed or frustrated -Teasing, tripping, or pushing -Threatening to injure Source: American Psychological Association